The "Tunnel" is NOT a club...

In 1997 I went on holiday with my best friend Sarah, we went to Majorca for two weeks... The holiday started at 9.30 that morning as we arrived at the Airport. We went for a McDonalds breakfast before the flight & thought it a good idea to add Vodka to our Orange juices.. Start as you mean to go on & all that... Well, it was our first holiday on our own.

SJ has ALWAYS been a lover of shoes, every kind of shoes but mostly HIGH ones... Anyway, she had decided that her new HIGH, brown, patchwork Wedges were the shoes to be worn. we should have foreseen then that perhaps these were not the right shoes for walking on & off of a plane in after quite a few Vodka's... Going out was a rush to the plane & trying to run in wedges isn't easy, people were laughing & to be fair it made me chuckle too but not as much as the leaving the plane did... We had obviously had a few more drinks on the plane & we were quite merry, tipsy, sloshed, whatever you want to call it.. Ha ha ha. So, the plane lands & it's time to leave the plane but instead of there being a bridge, there is the stairs, SJ' face was a picture.. "I can't get down them in these" I told her to take them off them but Noooooo, she couldn't do that. I went first & she stood at the top just calling out "Help me sweetie, don't leave me" "sweetie, please, don't leave me" everybody was watching & laughing, I could help her as I was laughing too much. She finally got down & we continued on our holiday.

The hotel was nice & our room turned out to be an apartment. We put the cases in then went to the bar, as you do.. The next day we went by the pool & started talking to a gay couple (god, I've just realised, I always manage to find the gays on holiday, should change my name to faghag.. ;oP ) They were from Brighton & we got on really well with them.. We did the usual stuff that day, swam, sunbathed etc when later that day we spotted a little German kid being thrown in the pool by his dad, this poor lad was beside himself.. " Nein, nein, nein" called this lad as he got thrown in.. Then glug, glug, glug as the kid just went to the bottom of the pool. Sarah & I both jumped up ready to get in & get him (well, she would have, at the time, I had a fair of deep water) Anyway, the lads dad finally jumps in & gets him.. This amazed us & still does to this day, why, if you child really doesn't want you to do it & obviously can't swim, why would you throw him in??
To be fair, they weren't the only nutty Germans there either, we were sat on our balcony one afternoon & we saw this little German girl, just standing & dancing, no music, nothing, nowhere near music or anyone come to think of it... I told SJ that she reminded me of her.. Ha ha ha

Of an evening we would go for a wonder & this one night we ended up in a night club. We got talking to some bloke who told us that he would really like to take us to "The Tunnel" I wasn't to sure about this but SJ thought that maybe it was a club & that we were together so we would be ok... Eventually we went, on the drive to this "Tunnel" I started to worry, we didn't know where we were, who we were with & where we were going... He stopped at his house to pick something up & I told Sarah what I was thinking, she assured me that we would be ok as she had her "Huge brown wedges" on & she could hit him with them if he tried anything funny.. He got back in the car & gave us perfume each, very odd, but we took it so not to offend & we set off again, the journey took ages, still no club in sight.. Finally after about 3hrs we arrived in another village, city, whatever it was, & there was no "Tunnel" we asked him where the club was & he looked puzzled, "There is no club, this, this is the Tunnel" & pointed at a tunnel we had driven through. It transpired that it was a mountain that separated the two cities & that they had made it into a "Tunnel" Sarah & I just burst into fits of laughter, all that worry, all that time in the car for a bloody Tunnel... Martin took us back to our hotel & offered to take us out the next night, we thanked him but declined... Thinking about it now, we were so stupid, never would I do something like that now & I hope & prey that my daughters have enough sense not to do anything so dangerous but it is funny when we talk about it....

Twirly's arrival

Last night I was reminded of something I said to someone after I had given birth to MY first born that made me laugh.. Let me tell you about having Boo..

Having Boo wasn't as easy as they told me it would be.. At 31wks I started to get pains. It was a saturday morning & we were moving house, I wasn't doing to much as I was obviously very pregnant. We moved in & I went off to work as usual, I had a little part time job in my friends Pub. It was a busyish shift, we had the football lot in & the time went quite quickly but I was still getting these pains, not to bad but enough to stop me in between serving.. My shift finished & I went home to my new place.
Once home I cleaned the bathroom (not that it needed it but you know what its like when you move into a new house) then I ran a bath & made my bed.. "Him in doors" ordered a take away & I had an early night.. I woke up about 4am in terrible pain, It felt like someone was stabbing me & twisting the knife.. I tried to wake him but all I got was "It's Braxton Hicks" & he fell back to sleep... I got up as I couldn't sleep & I started putting my Hospital bag together, god knows why but it came in handy in the end.. By 6am I was in to much pain & rang my Aunt, I would have rung my mum but my dad was a Postman & hated being woken up early on his day off... Anyway, she told me to go straight to the hospital to get checked out..
I woke him up & we made our way there. Once there they put all sorts of monitors on me & checked me over.. In the end they were going to send me home, UNTIL I hemorrhaged.. They had given me all sort of pain killers & I felt right out of it at the time & started to giggle.. "Oops, I think I've wet myself, Oh no, wait, its ok, its just BLOOD" As you can imagine, this sent the doctors & nurses into a panic & "Him in doors" went white as a sheet.. They quickly asked me to sign something & the next thing I know, I'm on a table & they are trying to stick something in my back..(spinal epidoodle) I can remember looking at the Anesthetist & shouting to him "Oi, Oi, Just because I'm off my face & numb down there, don't think I won't know if your perving" God Knows to this day why I said it but I did.. Lol

Boo was born, weighing 3lb 2oz & they took her straight to SCBU.. I remember being on the ward & screaming at the nurse when she brought me a photo... "I don't want a sodding photo, I want to see my Baby" Slamming my legs up & down on the bed to show that they worked (I couldn't feel a thing but they didn't need to know that) eventually she gave in & let "Him in doors" take me down to see her. I had just got her in my arms when my nan came rushing in, pushing Past the mother in law & took her off of me.. She was crying & telling me how proud she was, My grandad was there too, which is a VERY big deal as he doesn't do hospitals. From that day, he has ALWAYS called her Twirly because she came to early & because she was The Daughter of my Grandad's Curly.. Me!

It was a couple of days later & my Sister & her best friend came to the hospital to visit me & see the baby..... My Sister told me that she had gone to Mothercare to buy a bib that she had seen for the baby & then what her friend had said to her at the time.. My Sister: "I need to go to Mothercare to buy something for my Sister & the baby, a bib" My Sisters friend Lisa: "ABIB, that's a funny name to call a baby" This still makes me chuckle to this day... Anyway, after she told me this Lisa asked me "How does it feel now you are a Mummy?" & apparently, my reply, as she told me last night, was, "Like a COW, with too much MILK" Ha ha ha.. Sounds just like something I would say.. I also apparently rang everybody telling them that I had, had the baby but I was still off my face & didn't remember. One of my Best friends Toni arrived at the hospital with the HUGEST balloon I have ever seen, I was shocked to see her & asked if "Him in doors" had rang her but she told me, that it had been me.. Proper off my face on drugs.. A few others turned up as well, apparently, I had rang them too.. Ha ha ha

Mum... I've got Food Tech TOMORROW!!!!

Number 3 Daughter (of 5) is now at secondary school, she started last September. She seems to be enjoying it & her grades are very good... This term is her turn to do Food Technology. They split the lessons between the classes per terms. She seemed quite excited about doing it but I am at a loss as to why they are NOT actually COOKING...

So far they have had to take Citrus Fruit in to "Make some Juice".. Now Boo comes into me TONIGHT & tells me that she need Fruit to make a Fruit Cocktail.. TOMORROW! Oh & that they have to take a cake into school on Thursday with Icing, Sprinkles etc, to decorate it for the Jubilee. This is another thing that has wound me up... WHY do they have to take in an 8" cake, Icings, Sprinkles & other bits to decorate a cake that WE, as in US at home, are NOT going to eat???

When I started Secondary school & had Food Tech, we had to COOK loads of things, It was fun, the prepping, the measuring, getting in a mess while putting it all together & smelling it as it cooked.. I made a Cottage Pie, Corned Beef Hash & a few other things in my first year... NEVER did I have to just CUT UP Fruit. I would often go home after a lesson, with my parents waiting for their dinner & having an empty tub as most of the people in the class had ate my food... (The most memorable dish was my Spag Bol, which the WHOLE class ate, even the teacher)

I was talking to my Mum about this & the fact that Boo ALWAYS leaves it until the night before to tell me that she needs the things to make her dish.. But apparently, My Sister was exactly the same, Thinking back I remember her doing it. It used to make me laugh.. I had always knew that Boo was like my Sister but this is getting silly now...

I know I am not alone in this & that there are more Mums & Dads out there that have kids that leave it until the last minute too.. So I put it to you, How do you do it, How do you find the ingredients at the last minute? Do you magic them out of thin air or pull them out from your arse??? Ha ha ha.

Never under estimate the power of an Upset Woman...

I heard some sad news a week ago, some people that I am very close to have broken up.. She says she is fine, that they were growing apart etc etc.. But I know in my heart that she is hurting & there is nothing I can do but be there for her. I guess it is apart of life & growing old, you fall in love with being in love, you break up, you meet someone else, they become your life, so on & so on until you find that ONE TRUE LOVE. But why does it have to hurt so much in between? Why do we have to have our hearts ripped out & stamped on? I myself find that revenge always helps me feel better...

Over my years I have had a fair few SHITS in my life, thinking that its OK to cheat on me, to let me down or just treat me like shit.. I in turn have found ways to get my own back...

Lets Start with "R" He was my Boyfriend when I was 17.. & the guy I thought was "The One" if you know what I mean but apparently he had other ideas as he was everybody else's "One" too... From my girlfriends to girls from my School... He thought I didn't know & so did they, I didn't say a word for a couple of days but obviously stopped sleeping with him.. Then put pepper in all of his boxers.. Can you picture it?? Copious amounts of scratching, needless to say, this sent the girls he was knocking off running away from him & straight to the doctors.. Kerpow.. *blows the imaginary smoke from finger tips*

Then there was "K" He was lovely but was sooo unreliable it's unreal. He would let me down & lie to me so much that one day I had enough, I took his tooth brush & cleaned the bathroom with it.. ALL of the bathroom..
Then there was "J" he would put me down, try to make me feel bad about myself so I made him a DOG FOOD pie for our parting meal... after "J" there was a couple of weeks that I was still in a vengeful mood, so I popped back home to visit my mum, who was still living in Bromley... It had been at least 2yrs since "R" had taken my Heart & stomped on it & in fairness I was "Over it" but as I said, I was in a vengeful state of mind. I had changed a lot & I knew I looked good, my hair was really long, my boobs were BIGGER & I had put some weight on & my body didn't look like a bag of bones... Obviously, this caught "R's" eye... For the next 2wks I shagged the life out of him, I quote "Omg, this is the best sex I have EVER had, why did we split up, I've missed you so much" then I left, went back to Kingston, never spoke to him again(well, I did, many years later but that's a different story), didn't answer his calls, emails or letters...

Then there was "G" another bloke that thought it ok to cheat on me, well, that was until I sent EVERYBODY in his work naked photos of him... Not a good look let me tell you.
This then brings me to "Him in doors" Now don't get me wrong, I love him & he isn't that bad, NOW. I meet him when I was 19 & I fell for him hard... But he, when we were younger, found it very hard to be honest to me, he would lie about going to the pub, he would keep things from me etc. On my 20th Birthday, he was going to "Cook me a romantic dinner" but about 5pm, he rang & told me he was stuck in traffic, he wasn't, he was in the pub, When I found out, I took the dinner that I had ended up cooking & put it in between all of his clothes that were at my place & put them in black bags.. I Obviously left him, but things are never that clear cut & we did end up together again... Now, when he lies or let's me down, to make me smile, I move his things, Car keys, Wallet, shoes, you know what I mean, he puts his keys down on the table, I move the to the dresser, he puts his shoes by the door, I put them in the shoe box... I know this is very petty but it makes me smile.. maybe, the next time your partner upsets you, try it, move their tooth brush from the usual place, put the cup they have just got out, back into the cupboard while they are distracted, even change the recording time on the sky box.. All the little things that will drive them mad but make you smile.. But don't get caught.. Lol..

Is a Bully really a Bully?

I'm quite "Tickled Pink" that my baby sister (one of the three) LOVES my posts, she reads them after her incredibly hard day at work that she has, Teaching Children/Teens with learning disabilities... (For which I am very Proud of)(Follows in her sisters foot steps ;o))

We haven't always been close, in fact, growing up I wanted to kill her more than cuddle her. She was a "Bitch" with the capital "B".. She would do whatever she could to get ME in to trouble, she would tell our parents (I say ours but "our" Dad was actually hers, he is my Step Dad but every much a dad as my own) that I had hit her, she would steal my things & make a mess that I would ALWAYS have to clear up... But never the less, she was is my Baby Sister.

Now, being that she is my sister & seeing as I said, when she was born that I would ALWAYS look out for her... When she started being bullied at school, I saw RED... I don't like Bullies at the best of times but when you start on one of MY OWN then you really are going to get it "FULL BARREL..."
Anyway, I think she was either in the 1st year or the second year of Secondary school when one day, messing about she started whimpering as I tackled her to the ground (Not a regular occurrence) I asked her what was wrong & she told me that she was fine & that there was "NOTHING to worry about" I didn't listen to her, I KNEW she was keeping something from me so I tackled her to the ground again & pulled off her tights.. All up her leg was bruises.. A OLDER girl at school had been KICKING her in the back of the leg to get her OUT of the Dinner Line... I really Lost it.. After a fair few hours she finally told me the girls name (if I promised NOT to beat her up). Soooooooo, I went to the school the next day, Now, it had been a while since I had left but I had always still "Popped In" every now & then. I did my usual, "Hellos" to all of the teachers, Deputy & Head, then I went to find this girl.. I found a couple of my sisters friends & made them point this Older girl out.. When I say older, I don't mean by a couple of months, this girl was 2 years older than my Baby, So, me being 2 years older than her, it made it fair game... I went up to this girl, asked her if she was the girl, she, with Attitude, grunted at me that "Yeah, that's me" at this, I grabbed her hand & twisted it behind her back, I held it high enough to hurt but NOT to break (as I'm NOT a bully) & I informed her that if she was to EVER lay a finger on my Sister AGAIN, I would not only come & break her fingers but I would take them & shove them so far down her throat that she would shit them....(See, I DIDN'T beat her) Funny enough, she never did bully ANYONE ever again... Later that day my Sisters head of year came & asked me if I had threatened her but I just told him straight.. "No, I didn't threaten her, I told her what WOULD happen if she touched my Sister AGAIN"....

I Thank my lucky stars that I now deal with "Bullies" differently, In my line of work, I deal with the children that are usually the "Bullies", I have since learnt that it is the way their life is, that dictates the way they are with others... My one request is that you all think twice before acting AGAINST Bullies... Yes, what they do is HORRIBLE to your child but what is their home life like, make no mistake, I DON'T condone Bullies, I merely think now.. xx

Who doesn't love PRESENTS...

I have spent my life trying to please people & for the life of me I can't think why, it's in complete conflict to ME!! (if you know what I mean.) I am a very BLUNT, up front person, I don't have any problems in telling people exactly who or what they are... But for some stupid reason, I also like to make people smile. How odd is that??

I've been like this since I was little, I would try to do my Nans housework to make her happy as she had been working all day. I would also give her mini pedi's too. I would help my mum get dinner ready after her hard day at work.. Help friends out if they needed it, look after my cousins on a weekend so that my Aunt could go out. As I got older it grew to presents... I LOVE buying presents for people, I love to see their faces when they open something that they have wanted. My baby sister for one. Her 16th birthday for example. She came to stay with me & "Him in doors" the night before her birthday so that she could wake up at mine.. We got a take away, which we didn't have very often growing up, then we watched films & vegged. In the morning I made sure her present was on her bed.. I say present, it was one of them & a little decoy. She looked so excited... She ripped open the present & her face was a picture. I had brought her 5 Cd's. Her face dropped, she thanked me as you do but she looked a little sad. "What's up darlin?" I asked, "I like them but I don't have a CD player to play them on.." "You could play them on Mums one" was my answer, trying not to smile, yes, you guessed it, I had brought her a CD player but that was for later. We carried on with our day, I took her shopping & we had lunch then I got a phone call from my friend, he was going to have a barbie & invited us along. We hopped on a bus & made our way there, as we sat there & handed her the second present. "What's that?" "It's a present." "But I already had a present from you." as she opened it her face was amazing... The HUGEST smile I have ever seen... This made me so happy inside. My love for giving presents continued, at Christmas I would buy my family presents that I knew would make them happy.. One year I brought my nephews remote controlled cars, car in a can they were called. They asked for clues as all kids do & my answer was as follows.. It's round but square, it's small but it's big, it's slow but it's fast.. & so on. This is the present that they talk about the most.

I'm going to fast forward now to my sisters 21st.. As usual, I had spent ages sorting out her presents... As it was her 21st I had 21 of them for her to open. Each & everyone of them was either something that she wanted or something from our childhood.. The biggest one was a Tiffany's bracelet, she had wanted one since "Him in doors" brought me one after our Boo was born. I had always promised her one for her 21st but a couple of weeks before, I told her that I couldn't afford it & that I was really sorry.. She completely understood, I was at college, I had Boo & things were tight. Anyway, it came to the day of her birthday & she was having a party, I suggested that she spent the day with me & that I helped her get ready for the evening. In the afternoon, we sat down with a glass of champagne & I gave her the presents.. 19 in total.. Not 21.. She was sooo happy, she started opening them & we laughed & reminisced about things we used to do when growing up. There were films that we used to watch, drinks we used to have, super noodles because that's what we would eat while watching the films & things like that.. Now... It was time for the BIG one.. At this point we were nearly ready, I had done her make up & her friends were there, I gave her the birthday card but forgot that I had put the card from Tiffany's inside.. As she opened it, her face changed, it was a mixture of excitement & sadness. "You can't afford this & you've already brought me loads of presents" "I have been buying your presents for months now & I was NEVER not getting your bracelet, now stop crying, you're going to mess up your make up" it was time to get going & the door bell went, "Meish, get that please,it'll be the cab" knowing full well it wasn't, I had ordered a Limo to take her to the party,(her final present, totaling 21) her friends stood outside to see her face.. We walked out & her mouth dropped open.. & yes, she started crying AGAIN.. Lol. We picked her best friend Simon (who's birthday it was too) & made our way to the party with a pit stop to the shop to get more Champers...

See, I'm a big softy at times, my eldest step daughter was 18 a couple years ago, which means she 21 next year... She got 18 presents to open & I'm pretty sure there will be 21 on her 21st unless she opts for something else like my youngest step daughter, she is 18 this year & really wants a car... Little does she know, we will be telling her that we can't afford it but there will be a car with a HUGE Red bow on it... :o)

How did my parents cope with us with a hangover??

Today has been hard for me, I'm not to sure if it was the lack of sleep that I got last night after rolling in at 1.30am or the 4 bottles of Prosecco that my friend & I shared at the Quiz night in her local pub but I have to tell you, today was one of those days I wished I wasn't a mum, I wanted to go back to my younger days when staying bed suffering was the "Done" thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids & couldn't be without them really but the thought of sleeping all day was very appealing.

This made me think back to growing up in the pub. How did my Mum, Dad, Nan or any other family member that had par taken in a few too many then stayed over, cope with Me, my Sister & Cousins, shouting & running riot in the mornings. We used to have a lot of amazing parties in the pub & obviously copious amounts of alcohol flowing.. I remember one night we had a lock in & the drinks were flowing, the "Adults" were playing card games & drinking games, & we got to stay up too... when we got up in the morning it was like a morgue, bodies littered all over the place. This didn't seem to stop us from playing in the bar, running & jumping along the sofas around the people, as we always did. The bodies seem to add to the fun "Don't let the Zombies get you" I think the game was.. Full with screaming & shouting.. One thing I did learn from all of these people was that if you drink a pint of water & take to anadin before you go to bed, you don't get a hangover BUT the trick is, NOT to be to drunk that you forget to do it.. Ha ha ha

Do you think children know that you have a hangover & deliberately become louder, more whiny & find the noisiest toys to play with? I swear my children knew today, the 12yr old started first thing... "Wheres my shoes?" "Why can't I have a friend over tonight" "It's not fair" Blah blah blah.. Then the toddler starts... "Mummy, Ruby needs sweeties" "Ruby doesn't like cereal" "Mummmmmy, Blair Blair has dropped my drink" So on & So on. Then that left the baby & she couldn't be left out, oh no.... Wah wah wah wah.. most of the day. Amazingly, I'm feeling better & the kids have finally stopped & gone to bed.. I wonder if its that I'm getting older that the hangovers are getting worse or is it that I can drink more than all those years ago... Either way, I'm NOT drinking anymore... Well, until the next time. (Don't Judge me, you know you say the same, Lol)