Thursday, 31 May 2012

The "Tunnel" is NOT a club...

In 1997 I went on holiday with my best friend Sarah, we went to Majorca for two weeks... The holiday started at 9.30 that morning as we arrived at the Airport. We went for a McDonalds breakfast before the flight & thought it a good idea to add Vodka to our Orange juices.. Start as you mean to go on & all that... Well, it was our first holiday on our own.

SJ has ALWAYS been a lover of shoes, every kind of shoes but mostly HIGH ones... Anyway, she had decided that her new HIGH, brown, patchwork Wedges were the shoes to be worn. we should have foreseen then that perhaps these were not the right shoes for walking on & off of a plane in after quite a few Vodka's... Going out was a rush to the plane & trying to run in wedges isn't easy, people were laughing & to be fair it made me chuckle too but not as much as the leaving the plane did... We had obviously had a few more drinks on the plane & we were quite merry, tipsy, sloshed, whatever you want to call it.. Ha ha ha. So, the plane lands & it's time to leave the plane but instead of there being a bridge, there is the stairs, SJ' face was a picture.. "I can't get down them in these" I told her to take them off them but Noooooo, she couldn't do that. I went first & she stood at the top just calling out "Help me sweetie, don't leave me" "sweetie, please, don't leave me" everybody was watching & laughing, I could help her as I was laughing too much. She finally got down & we continued on our holiday.

The hotel was nice & our room turned out to be an apartment. We put the cases in then went to the bar, as you do.. The next day we went by the pool & started talking to a gay couple (god, I've just realised, I always manage to find the gays on holiday, should change my name to faghag.. ;oP ) They were from Brighton & we got on really well with them.. We did the usual stuff that day, swam, sunbathed etc when later that day we spotted a little German kid being thrown in the pool by his dad, this poor lad was beside himself.. " Nein, nein, nein" called this lad as he got thrown in.. Then glug, glug, glug as the kid just went to the bottom of the pool. Sarah & I both jumped up ready to get in & get him (well, she would have, at the time, I had a fair of deep water) Anyway, the lads dad finally jumps in & gets him.. This amazed us & still does to this day, why, if you child really doesn't want you to do it & obviously can't swim, why would you throw him in??
To be fair, they weren't the only nutty Germans there either, we were sat on our balcony one afternoon & we saw this little German girl, just standing & dancing, no music, nothing, nowhere near music or anyone come to think of it... I told SJ that she reminded me of her.. Ha ha ha

Of an evening we would go for a wonder & this one night we ended up in a night club. We got talking to some bloke who told us that he would really like to take us to "The Tunnel" I wasn't to sure about this but SJ thought that maybe it was a club & that we were together so we would be ok... Eventually we went, on the drive to this "Tunnel" I started to worry, we didn't know where we were, who we were with & where we were going... He stopped at his house to pick something up & I told Sarah what I was thinking, she assured me that we would be ok as she had her "Huge brown wedges" on & she could hit him with them if he tried anything funny.. He got back in the car & gave us perfume each, very odd, but we took it so not to offend & we set off again, the journey took ages, still no club in sight.. Finally after about 3hrs we arrived in another village, city, whatever it was, & there was no "Tunnel" we asked him where the club was & he looked puzzled, "There is no club, this, this is the Tunnel" & pointed at a tunnel we had driven through. It transpired that it was a mountain that separated the two cities & that they had made it into a "Tunnel" Sarah & I just burst into fits of laughter, all that worry, all that time in the car for a bloody Tunnel... Martin took us back to our hotel & offered to take us out the next night, we thanked him but declined... Thinking about it now, we were so stupid, never would I do something like that now & I hope & prey that my daughters have enough sense not to do anything so dangerous but it is funny when we talk about it....

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Twirly's arrival

Last night I was reminded of something I said to someone after I had given birth to MY first born that made me laugh.. Let me tell you about having Boo..

Having Boo wasn't as easy as they told me it would be.. At 31wks I started to get pains. It was a saturday morning & we were moving house, I wasn't doing to much as I was obviously very pregnant. We moved in & I went off to work as usual, I had a little part time job in my friends Pub. It was a busyish shift, we had the football lot in & the time went quite quickly but I was still getting these pains, not to bad but enough to stop me in between serving.. My shift finished & I went home to my new place.
Once home I cleaned the bathroom (not that it needed it but you know what its like when you move into a new house) then I ran a bath & made my bed.. "Him in doors" ordered a take away & I had an early night.. I woke up about 4am in terrible pain, It felt like someone was stabbing me & twisting the knife.. I tried to wake him but all I got was "It's Braxton Hicks" & he fell back to sleep... I got up as I couldn't sleep & I started putting my Hospital bag together, god knows why but it came in handy in the end.. By 6am I was in to much pain & rang my Aunt, I would have rung my mum but my dad was a Postman & hated being woken up early on his day off... Anyway, she told me to go straight to the hospital to get checked out..
I woke him up & we made our way there. Once there they put all sorts of monitors on me & checked me over.. In the end they were going to send me home, UNTIL I hemorrhaged.. They had given me all sort of pain killers & I felt right out of it at the time & started to giggle.. "Oops, I think I've wet myself, Oh no, wait, its ok, its just BLOOD" As you can imagine, this sent the doctors & nurses into a panic & "Him in doors" went white as a sheet.. They quickly asked me to sign something & the next thing I know, I'm on a table & they are trying to stick something in my back..(spinal epidoodle) I can remember looking at the Anesthetist & shouting to him "Oi, Oi, Just because I'm off my face & numb down there, don't think I won't know if your perving" God Knows to this day why I said it but I did.. Lol

Boo was born, weighing 3lb 2oz & they took her straight to SCBU.. I remember being on the ward & screaming at the nurse when she brought me a photo... "I don't want a sodding photo, I want to see my Baby" Slamming my legs up & down on the bed to show that they worked (I couldn't feel a thing but they didn't need to know that) eventually she gave in & let "Him in doors" take me down to see her. I had just got her in my arms when my nan came rushing in, pushing Past the mother in law & took her off of me.. She was crying & telling me how proud she was, My grandad was there too, which is a VERY big deal as he doesn't do hospitals. From that day, he has ALWAYS called her Twirly because she came to early & because she was The Daughter of my Grandad's Curly.. Me!

It was a couple of days later & my Sister & her best friend came to the hospital to visit me & see the baby..... My Sister told me that she had gone to Mothercare to buy a bib that she had seen for the baby & then what her friend had said to her at the time.. My Sister: "I need to go to Mothercare to buy something for my Sister & the baby, a bib" My Sisters friend Lisa: "ABIB, that's a funny name to call a baby" This still makes me chuckle to this day... Anyway, after she told me this Lisa asked me "How does it feel now you are a Mummy?" & apparently, my reply, as she told me last night, was, "Like a COW, with too much MILK" Ha ha ha.. Sounds just like something I would say.. I also apparently rang everybody telling them that I had, had the baby but I was still off my face & didn't remember. One of my Best friends Toni arrived at the hospital with the HUGEST balloon I have ever seen, I was shocked to see her & asked if "Him in doors" had rang her but she told me, that it had been me.. Proper off my face on drugs.. A few others turned up as well, apparently, I had rang them too.. Ha ha ha

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Mum... I've got Food Tech TOMORROW!!!!

Number 3 Daughter (of 5) is now at secondary school, she started last September. She seems to be enjoying it & her grades are very good... This term is her turn to do Food Technology. They split the lessons between the classes per terms. She seemed quite excited about doing it but I am at a loss as to why they are NOT actually COOKING...

So far they have had to take Citrus Fruit in to "Make some Juice".. Now Boo comes into me TONIGHT & tells me that she need Fruit to make a Fruit Cocktail.. TOMORROW! Oh & that they have to take a cake into school on Thursday with Icing, Sprinkles etc, to decorate it for the Jubilee. This is another thing that has wound me up... WHY do they have to take in an 8" cake, Icings, Sprinkles & other bits to decorate a cake that WE, as in US at home, are NOT going to eat???

When I started Secondary school & had Food Tech, we had to COOK loads of things, It was fun, the prepping, the measuring, getting in a mess while putting it all together & smelling it as it cooked.. I made a Cottage Pie, Corned Beef Hash & a few other things in my first year... NEVER did I have to just CUT UP Fruit. I would often go home after a lesson, with my parents waiting for their dinner & having an empty tub as most of the people in the class had ate my food... (The most memorable dish was my Spag Bol, which the WHOLE class ate, even the teacher)

I was talking to my Mum about this & the fact that Boo ALWAYS leaves it until the night before to tell me that she needs the things to make her dish.. But apparently, My Sister was exactly the same, Thinking back I remember her doing it. It used to make me laugh.. I had always knew that Boo was like my Sister but this is getting silly now...

I know I am not alone in this & that there are more Mums & Dads out there that have kids that leave it until the last minute too.. So I put it to you, How do you do it, How do you find the ingredients at the last minute? Do you magic them out of thin air or pull them out from your arse??? Ha ha ha.

Monday, 28 May 2012

Never under estimate the power of an Upset Woman...

I heard some sad news a week ago, some people that I am very close to have broken up.. She says she is fine, that they were growing apart etc etc.. But I know in my heart that she is hurting & there is nothing I can do but be there for her. I guess it is apart of life & growing old, you fall in love with being in love, you break up, you meet someone else, they become your life, so on & so on until you find that ONE TRUE LOVE. But why does it have to hurt so much in between? Why do we have to have our hearts ripped out & stamped on? I myself find that revenge always helps me feel better...

Over my years I have had a fair few SHITS in my life, thinking that its OK to cheat on me, to let me down or just treat me like shit.. I in turn have found ways to get my own back...

Lets Start with "R" He was my Boyfriend when I was 17.. & the guy I thought was "The One" if you know what I mean but apparently he had other ideas as he was everybody else's "One" too... From my girlfriends to girls from my School... He thought I didn't know & so did they, I didn't say a word for a couple of days but obviously stopped sleeping with him.. Then put pepper in all of his boxers.. Can you picture it?? Copious amounts of scratching, needless to say, this sent the girls he was knocking off running away from him & straight to the doctors.. Kerpow.. *blows the imaginary smoke from finger tips*

Then there was "K" He was lovely but was sooo unreliable it's unreal. He would let me down & lie to me so much that one day I had enough, I took his tooth brush & cleaned the bathroom with it.. ALL of the bathroom..
Then there was "J" he would put me down, try to make me feel bad about myself so I made him a DOG FOOD pie for our parting meal... after "J" there was a couple of weeks that I was still in a vengeful mood, so I popped back home to visit my mum, who was still living in Bromley... It had been at least 2yrs since "R" had taken my Heart & stomped on it & in fairness I was "Over it" but as I said, I was in a vengeful state of mind. I had changed a lot & I knew I looked good, my hair was really long, my boobs were BIGGER & I had put some weight on & my body didn't look like a bag of bones... Obviously, this caught "R's" eye... For the next 2wks I shagged the life out of him, I quote "Omg, this is the best sex I have EVER had, why did we split up, I've missed you so much" then I left, went back to Kingston, never spoke to him again(well, I did, many years later but that's a different story), didn't answer his calls, emails or letters...

Then there was "G" another bloke that thought it ok to cheat on me, well, that was until I sent EVERYBODY in his work naked photos of him... Not a good look let me tell you.
This then brings me to "Him in doors" Now don't get me wrong, I love him & he isn't that bad, NOW. I meet him when I was 19 & I fell for him hard... But he, when we were younger, found it very hard to be honest to me, he would lie about going to the pub, he would keep things from me etc. On my 20th Birthday, he was going to "Cook me a romantic dinner" but about 5pm, he rang & told me he was stuck in traffic, he wasn't, he was in the pub, When I found out, I took the dinner that I had ended up cooking & put it in between all of his clothes that were at my place & put them in black bags.. I Obviously left him, but things are never that clear cut & we did end up together again... Now, when he lies or let's me down, to make me smile, I move his things, Car keys, Wallet, shoes, you know what I mean, he puts his keys down on the table, I move the to the dresser, he puts his shoes by the door, I put them in the shoe box... I know this is very petty but it makes me smile.. maybe, the next time your partner upsets you, try it, move their tooth brush from the usual place, put the cup they have just got out, back into the cupboard while they are distracted, even change the recording time on the sky box.. All the little things that will drive them mad but make you smile.. But don't get caught.. Lol..

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Is a Bully really a Bully?

I'm quite "Tickled Pink" that my baby sister (one of the three) LOVES my posts, she reads them after her incredibly hard day at work that she has, Teaching Children/Teens with learning disabilities... (For which I am very Proud of)(Follows in her sisters foot steps ;o))

We haven't always been close, in fact, growing up I wanted to kill her more than cuddle her. She was a "Bitch" with the capital "B".. She would do whatever she could to get ME in to trouble, she would tell our parents (I say ours but "our" Dad was actually hers, he is my Step Dad but every much a dad as my own) that I had hit her, she would steal my things & make a mess that I would ALWAYS have to clear up... But never the less, she was is my Baby Sister.

Now, being that she is my sister & seeing as I said, when she was born that I would ALWAYS look out for her... When she started being bullied at school, I saw RED... I don't like Bullies at the best of times but when you start on one of MY OWN then you really are going to get it "FULL BARREL..."
Anyway, I think she was either in the 1st year or the second year of Secondary school when one day, messing about she started whimpering as I tackled her to the ground (Not a regular occurrence) I asked her what was wrong & she told me that she was fine & that there was "NOTHING to worry about" I didn't listen to her, I KNEW she was keeping something from me so I tackled her to the ground again & pulled off her tights.. All up her leg was bruises.. A OLDER girl at school had been KICKING her in the back of the leg to get her OUT of the Dinner Line... I really Lost it.. After a fair few hours she finally told me the girls name (if I promised NOT to beat her up). Soooooooo, I went to the school the next day, Now, it had been a while since I had left but I had always still "Popped In" every now & then. I did my usual, "Hellos" to all of the teachers, Deputy & Head, then I went to find this girl.. I found a couple of my sisters friends & made them point this Older girl out.. When I say older, I don't mean by a couple of months, this girl was 2 years older than my Baby, So, me being 2 years older than her, it made it fair game... I went up to this girl, asked her if she was the girl, she, with Attitude, grunted at me that "Yeah, that's me" at this, I grabbed her hand & twisted it behind her back, I held it high enough to hurt but NOT to break (as I'm NOT a bully) & I informed her that if she was to EVER lay a finger on my Sister AGAIN, I would not only come & break her fingers but I would take them & shove them so far down her throat that she would shit them....(See, I DIDN'T beat her) Funny enough, she never did bully ANYONE ever again... Later that day my Sisters head of year came & asked me if I had threatened her but I just told him straight.. "No, I didn't threaten her, I told her what WOULD happen if she touched my Sister AGAIN"....

I Thank my lucky stars that I now deal with "Bullies" differently, In my line of work, I deal with the children that are usually the "Bullies", I have since learnt that it is the way their life is, that dictates the way they are with others... My one request is that you all think twice before acting AGAINST Bullies... Yes, what they do is HORRIBLE to your child but what is their home life like, make no mistake, I DON'T condone Bullies, I merely think now.. xx

Who doesn't love PRESENTS...

I have spent my life trying to please people & for the life of me I can't think why, it's in complete conflict to ME!! (if you know what I mean.) I am a very BLUNT, up front person, I don't have any problems in telling people exactly who or what they are... But for some stupid reason, I also like to make people smile. How odd is that??

I've been like this since I was little, I would try to do my Nans housework to make her happy as she had been working all day. I would also give her mini pedi's too. I would help my mum get dinner ready after her hard day at work.. Help friends out if they needed it, look after my cousins on a weekend so that my Aunt could go out. As I got older it grew to presents... I LOVE buying presents for people, I love to see their faces when they open something that they have wanted. My baby sister for one. Her 16th birthday for example. She came to stay with me & "Him in doors" the night before her birthday so that she could wake up at mine.. We got a take away, which we didn't have very often growing up, then we watched films & vegged. In the morning I made sure her present was on her bed.. I say present, it was one of them & a little decoy. She looked so excited... She ripped open the present & her face was a picture. I had brought her 5 Cd's. Her face dropped, she thanked me as you do but she looked a little sad. "What's up darlin?" I asked, "I like them but I don't have a CD player to play them on.." "You could play them on Mums one" was my answer, trying not to smile, yes, you guessed it, I had brought her a CD player but that was for later. We carried on with our day, I took her shopping & we had lunch then I got a phone call from my friend, he was going to have a barbie & invited us along. We hopped on a bus & made our way there, as we sat there & handed her the second present. "What's that?" "It's a present." "But I already had a present from you." as she opened it her face was amazing... The HUGEST smile I have ever seen... This made me so happy inside. My love for giving presents continued, at Christmas I would buy my family presents that I knew would make them happy.. One year I brought my nephews remote controlled cars, car in a can they were called. They asked for clues as all kids do & my answer was as follows.. It's round but square, it's small but it's big, it's slow but it's fast.. & so on. This is the present that they talk about the most.

I'm going to fast forward now to my sisters 21st.. As usual, I had spent ages sorting out her presents... As it was her 21st I had 21 of them for her to open. Each & everyone of them was either something that she wanted or something from our childhood.. The biggest one was a Tiffany's bracelet, she had wanted one since "Him in doors" brought me one after our Boo was born. I had always promised her one for her 21st but a couple of weeks before, I told her that I couldn't afford it & that I was really sorry.. She completely understood, I was at college, I had Boo & things were tight. Anyway, it came to the day of her birthday & she was having a party, I suggested that she spent the day with me & that I helped her get ready for the evening. In the afternoon, we sat down with a glass of champagne & I gave her the presents.. 19 in total.. Not 21.. She was sooo happy, she started opening them & we laughed & reminisced about things we used to do when growing up. There were films that we used to watch, drinks we used to have, super noodles because that's what we would eat while watching the films & things like that.. Now... It was time for the BIG one.. At this point we were nearly ready, I had done her make up & her friends were there, I gave her the birthday card but forgot that I had put the card from Tiffany's inside.. As she opened it, her face changed, it was a mixture of excitement & sadness. "You can't afford this & you've already brought me loads of presents" "I have been buying your presents for months now & I was NEVER not getting your bracelet, now stop crying, you're going to mess up your make up" it was time to get going & the door bell went, "Meish, get that please,it'll be the cab" knowing full well it wasn't, I had ordered a Limo to take her to the party,(her final present, totaling 21) her friends stood outside to see her face.. We walked out & her mouth dropped open.. & yes, she started crying AGAIN.. Lol. We picked her best friend Simon (who's birthday it was too) & made our way to the party with a pit stop to the shop to get more Champers...

See, I'm a big softy at times, my eldest step daughter was 18 a couple years ago, which means she 21 next year... She got 18 presents to open & I'm pretty sure there will be 21 on her 21st unless she opts for something else like my youngest step daughter, she is 18 this year & really wants a car... Little does she know, we will be telling her that we can't afford it but there will be a car with a HUGE Red bow on it... :o)

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

How did my parents cope with us with a hangover??

Today has been hard for me, I'm not to sure if it was the lack of sleep that I got last night after rolling in at 1.30am or the 4 bottles of Prosecco that my friend & I shared at the Quiz night in her local pub but I have to tell you, today was one of those days I wished I wasn't a mum, I wanted to go back to my younger days when staying bed suffering was the "Done" thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids & couldn't be without them really but the thought of sleeping all day was very appealing.

This made me think back to growing up in the pub. How did my Mum, Dad, Nan or any other family member that had par taken in a few too many then stayed over, cope with Me, my Sister & Cousins, shouting & running riot in the mornings. We used to have a lot of amazing parties in the pub & obviously copious amounts of alcohol flowing.. I remember one night we had a lock in & the drinks were flowing, the "Adults" were playing card games & drinking games, & we got to stay up too... when we got up in the morning it was like a morgue, bodies littered all over the place. This didn't seem to stop us from playing in the bar, running & jumping along the sofas around the people, as we always did. The bodies seem to add to the fun "Don't let the Zombies get you" I think the game was.. Full with screaming & shouting.. One thing I did learn from all of these people was that if you drink a pint of water & take to anadin before you go to bed, you don't get a hangover BUT the trick is, NOT to be to drunk that you forget to do it.. Ha ha ha

Do you think children know that you have a hangover & deliberately become louder, more whiny & find the noisiest toys to play with? I swear my children knew today, the 12yr old started first thing... "Wheres my shoes?" "Why can't I have a friend over tonight" "It's not fair" Blah blah blah.. Then the toddler starts... "Mummy, Ruby needs sweeties" "Ruby doesn't like cereal" "Mummmmmy, Blair Blair has dropped my drink" So on & So on. Then that left the baby & she couldn't be left out, oh no.... Wah wah wah wah.. most of the day. Amazingly, I'm feeling better & the kids have finally stopped & gone to bed.. I wonder if its that I'm getting older that the hangovers are getting worse or is it that I can drink more than all those years ago... Either way, I'm NOT drinking anymore... Well, until the next time. (Don't Judge me, you know you say the same, Lol)

Monday, 21 May 2012

Quick... Save the Queen...

While blogging about my Holiday to the Canaries it reminded me of another funny situation that happened while we were there.

We had been at the hotel for about 4 days when we stumbled across two Gay Guys, Phil & Dave. They were so lovely, kind, funny & had us in stitches nearly everyday. Phil was much more girly than me or Debs, so he became our Queen (He still is & I have since taken him to Brighton, which is another story) Around the same sort of time we also met a woman with her 16yr old lad, both were a few sandwiches short of a picnic but nice enough. Deb & I would tease the lad on a regular basis as he LOVED Boobs & we would often catch him looking at ours. Well, This lad thought it was funny to splash us while we were sunbathing, reading etc & no matter how many times we told him to stop he didn't. So, I warned him.. "Jamie, you carry on with this, playing like a BIG BOY, your gonna get it like a BIG BOY". He didn't listen, sooooooo, he got it.. He was in the pool on his own, so Deb's & I swam up either side of him & grabbed him & started to pull off his swimming shorts.. At this point I think half of the hotel had, had enough of him because there was a rush to the pool & about 13 people helped get them off... Poor lad was then stood there holding his modesty in his hands calling to his mum to bring his shorts over, which she did, but stood at the side of the pool, holding them out saying "Here you are then Jamie, come & get them, I'm not throwing them in because they will get wet" Ha ha ha.

Now this isn't the story I'm telling you, just merely leading up to the main event... As you can imagine, Jamie was a little embarrassed & wanted to get his own back... He then came to where we were lying & tried to Push Mark into the Pool.. Well, Mark has been called a White "Cello Green" & was obviously not going to be pushed in the pool by a skinny lad. We all laughed, then Jamie Pushed in my Queen.. This didn't go the way Jamie had planned though as the tiles around the pool were wet & Phil slipped banging his head on the way into the pool. My stomach turns as I remember it now. At this I jump up, run & dive into the pool, closely followed by Deb.. Nothing funny about this I hear you say, well, we were topless.. & neither of us having a small bust... Phil was VERY OILY & trying to fish an Oiled up Gay man out of a pool isn't easy... While trying to keep Phils head out of water he tells me that he has lost his contact lens & promptly starts looking in the water, I couldn't keep hold of him & he starts going under again (although Deb remembers it differently & thinks I just let go of him, Lol). Debs & I manage to get a grip of him again & the blokes lift him out.. We then take him to the hospital to be checked over (after we put our tops on) & while sat outside (so Deb can have a fag) we notice an ambulance pull into the parking lot, start to take out a Lady, put her back in, drive right to the end of the lot, where there was NOTHING but rubble, then just leave her there...

Still to this day we don't know what happened to that Lady. Phil on the other hand is well but keeping away from the side of pool & still very much our "Queen".

Oh No... They're NOT German....

Today I was going to blog again about the pub I grew up in until my Northern Bestie Posted a picture of me on Facebook, The photo was taken at my Toddlers Christening about 2yrs ago(not the one that I've added here)... Now, that in its self is a very funny story but I feel I should first tell you the story of how Debbie "Ain't Getting" Nunn & I met....

My partner & I had booked a Holiday to Grand Canaria With 3 daughters at the time. The hotel was lovely but it had some very Rude & Ignorant guests. Anyway, we started our holiday as every family does, got a few beds by the pool so that we could keep an eye on the children, got some water etc... On the third day, we do the usual after breakfast, you know, try & find some sunbeds that HAVEN'T already been taken at 4am.. We managed to find a couple near the bridge part of the pool that walks up to the bar where there was a seating area (& where the story really begins) So, "Him in doors" puts the towels down as I make sure the kids have got their cream on before the pool, I say kids but I still treat the elder ones as my babies.. Anyway, they want to go & play in the pool & we let them.. They are having fun, throwing a ball to each other, teasing the younger one, the usual stuff kids do in a pool.. To the right of me this couple & their daughter take the only available beds left.. He is a big guy, looks quite scary, shes has HUGE boobs & the girl is soooo adorable, about 9 I would have said, but very sweet & helpful... I nod to them as you do & turn my attention back to the girls who are now getting a little excited, loud & well, splashy, but hey hoo, they are in a swimming pool on HOLIDAY.. Carry on... Things are fine until this "FeckWitt" sits down in the little seating area in the middle of the pool (that bar isn't even open & there are LOADS of other tables near but away from the water) Can you see where I'm going with this?? Yes, the girls managed to splash him, to this, he stands up & starts shouting at them... Well, let me tell you something... I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SHOUT AT MY KIDS..... This gets my back straight up & I'm off... Well to keep this post clean, I shall add in the Bleeps.. It went something like this... "Oi you Bleeping Idiot, It's a Bleeping Pool, The kids are playing & you sat down right next to them you Bleeeeeeeeeeping Feckwit.. if you EVER talk to my kids like that again, You will Bleeeeeeping know about it, Now BLEEP OFF" Some of the people around the pool watched in horror, others clapped & the couple next to us were Peeing themselves. I looked over at them & laughed, "Can you believe that guy?" I said & this started us talking..

They were from Darlington, had two other children (that weren't with them on the holiday) & were really fun to be with. "Him in Doors hit it off with the bloke & I became great friends with the woman, the kids loved spending time together & the holiday really began to be fun. We would get sunbeds together, have drinks in the evening, some nights we went out together.. Deb & I seem to have the same views on Speedos too.... NO Englishman should wear them...No, I don't know how many people think of, say perhaps, German men when you think of Speedos. Well Deb & I did, couple that with REALLY long, curly Blond hair... We give you "Simba & his Pride" This bloke LOVED himself.. Long flowing mane, Leopard Speedos, Young, beautiful, skinny wife & kids that were obviously NOT hers... Oh & then There was "James May" This guy, wore the Speedos but with a Hawaiian shirt open.. Now come on.. I have children there, We REALLY DON'T want to see you Meat & 2 Veg... So, there was Deb & I laughing & bitching about these people, you know, the usual "Why can't they wear normal swimming trunks" "Does he have to, I've just eaten" etc... Until we come to the second week & Simba is leaving & it looks like James is on the same flight.. Can you imagine the looks on our faces when we realise that they were ENGLISH & had heard us the whole time.. Ha ha ha.. Me being me, told them that perhaps they should act their ages & invest in some suitable entire when around children & if they dressed & looked the way they did then they were fair game...

So PLEASE, I beg of you... If you yourself or your man has Speedos... GET RID of them because I am out there, you never know if I'm on the same Holiday as you... & if you are German, then I am sorry, I didn't ment to offened but may be you should stop wearing them too......

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Milk into butter...

I was never one of those girls that got embarrassed easily when I was younger, I mean, I was growing up in a pub, with different people doing odd & embarrassing things all the time.. Our bar man Mark would ALWAYS opt for stockings & suspenders at any of our fancy dress nights, people would strip off at a drop of a hat & my uncle would try & tickle us until we wet ourselves (although, my mum taught me not to be ticklish, so it never worked on me) & the amount of naked women & men I had seen by the age of 18 was in the double figures. (strippers) So, as you can imagine, I didn't embarrass easily. That was until one hot & sunny Saturday when I was 17.... The day had started like any other day, got up, had breakfast, had a shower etc. Now, I can't quite remember what I had to go out for but it appears that I went out & because it was hot I had shorts & a little "crop top" on. looking back, this was rather silly as I was a size 6/8 with a 34DD chest & really shouldn't have my boobs so on show but I was young & it was the 90's. Anyway, back to the story. So, I had been out & time had gotten away from me, I was late, so, as you can imagine, I had to hurry back... This is where, women with big boobs will sympathise with me, I started running home.. Boobs everywhere but I hadn't really noticed that as I was in a hurry. UNTIL, I heard someone call my name.. I looked around but couldn't see anyone, then I heard it again closely followed by " Shell, you want to be careful you don't whip that milk into butter with those "fuck off" boobs" from a man hole about 2 foot away... Well, everyone turned around & looked at me & I could feel myself going a very dark shade of EMBARASSED..
now, this wouldn't have been to bad, I could have got over this, no one in the street knew me except for my friend who had embarrassed me but NO, that would be easy, No, Bobby was then in my local (yes, I was drinking in a pub at 17 but in my defence, I did look a lot older & to be fair, everybody has done it) & had told everyone what had happened, so as I walked in, everyone started clapping... There was me AGAIN, BRIGHT RED... I could have killed him... Still, looking back, it's one of my stories that makes me laugh the most.. " whip that milk into butter" pure genius... Ha ha ha.

Friday, 18 May 2012

WHY, why would you name your baby THAT???

As I lay in my pit at god knows what time after being woken up by the baby, for some strange & unknown reason, I started thinking of Baby names & why some people feel the need to call their BELOVED children, REALLY STUPID names... I myself have a name that I will never like nor will I ever reveal on here.(but all I will say is that I sound very much like I should be a Country & Western Singer...) This to me, is horrifying, however much my mum likes it. I will never understand why I couldn't just have a normal name like Sarah or Lizzy.... She didn't stop there either, oh no, she had my sister who she named after a Russian Polar Bear.. See, why do parents hate their kids.. Seriously? Ha ha ha. This also made me wonder "How do the likes of Fi Fi Trixabel, Heavenly Herani & Apple feel about their names..?" Seriously.. Do you not love your children..? Is this your way of getting your own back because you had to lose work & money for a few months??? I myself did not feel the need to punish my children & gave them simple names.. Beth, Ruby & Maisie, although, i nearly had a little mishap with the eldest girl... I wanted to call her Lauren but a friend pointed out that it would sound like " Laurel & Hardy" if i did. I know at some point I will get something along the lines of "Mum, why couldn't you have called me Renezemae ?" (Twilight reference) or another name that could possibly be as stupid. My answer then shall be plain & simple "Because I love you"

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Making a "Drink" at 9yrs old... In a PUB. :o)

Last night, my Mum commented on one of my blogs & it reminded me of something I did when I was little... I was very lucky when I was little as I got to grow up in my nan & grandads pub. Now, this is where some of my "Funnies" happened, like the one my Mum commented on..
So, I was about 9yrs old & My Nan & Grandad had thrown a "Cocktail" evening in the pub the night before. It was amazing, pretty glasses, umbrella's, colourful plastic animals that hung off of the side of the glass.. Sugar around the rims of the pretty glasses, as you can imagine. Then there were the people, all dressed up in Bow ties & gorgeous dresses.. Everything was so magical... Anyway, as I said, that was the night before & I was standing in the bar about 9am and everything hadn't quite been put away, there were still umbrellas & colourful plastic animals, straws & CHERRIES left out on the side, sooooooooo, I thought I would be a "Big Girl" & have a cocktail.. I went to the other side of the bar, grabbed a stool, dragged it to the bar under the optics & started pouring spirits in to the glass.. Not lots, just Bacardi, Vodka, Rum, Malibu, Gin & maybe a little Jack Daniels... To this I added an Orange Juice & Lemonade (obviously a bar tender in the making as I have since made a punch with these ingredients & they do actually work) Then enters my Nan... "What ya doing?" she says to me, to which I turn around to her & say "Making a drink Nanny" with a smile on my face... Oh dear, apparently, even though you live in a pub & you get Coke & Crisps when you want them.. They are NOT free.. & neither are the spirits I put in my "Drink" Ha ha ha. Now, my Nan being the wonderful but very firm woman she is, asked me what I was going to do with my "Drink" & I replied that I was indeed going to "Drink it..." to this, she then said "Go on then" & waited for me to put it to my lips... She very quickly took it off of me so that I didn't drink it then she explained to me that I was far too young to be drinking alcohol & that I would have to PAY her & Grandad the money for all of the drinks I had put in my little cocktail... Needless to say, I never done it again.. It took about 4 weeks of pocket money to pay them back.. Lol Now, all this got me thinking... I am very lucky with my girls, I have the usual little hic ups, you know, the little drawings on the walls, the make up or cream all over their faces but never anything like that, thank god... Thinking about this made me think of other little things that happened in my Nan & Grandads pub.. trust me, ther were quite a few, but I shall save them for another blog.. Thanks for reading.. I'm off now to go & make a "Drink"... xxxx

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Less Charley Brown's Teacher, more Mother of a comical Toddler.

It has been said that reading my Blog is like listening to Charley Brown's Teacher. Personally I think this was said by my friend as he is male & LONELY.. Ha ha ha..
So, for you Mr Monobrow I shall not blog about "Him in doors" Today, today I shall tell you all a little about my comical 2yr old & some of the funny things she says & does... & who has recently acquired an imaginary friend called "Blair Blair". I know we all have children in our lives that make us laugh, smile & sometimes, want to drink but My 2yr old is the exception to the rule.. She makes you want to do all three at the same time & I'm not to sure Salisbury's can re-fill the vodka shelf as quick as I can consume it... Ruby seems to be a descendant of royalty as she refers to herself in the third party all the time.. "Ruby does need a drink Mummy" "Ruby wants some Fruit Flakes please" "Ruby just peed on your carpet Mummy" "Ruby doesn't like your programmes Mummy, put Ruby's ones back on" & the one, only earlier today, after telling her that she can't have sweets for breakfast "Why? Ruby Likes sweeties, Ruby's tummy is hungry & will only eat sweeties today as it's not well". I have tried telling her that she doesn't need to put "Ruby" in front of everything she wants or does but she seems to like it... I wonder if this will set her in good stead for when she finally meets her Prince Charming.. Now, let me tell you a little about "Blair Blair", He seems to be the reason I have a lovely new drawing on my wall (of what I am not to sure of, some days its a bumble bee & others it's a flower), why the shelf on the TV unit is now broken (by a Big Heavy Ball) & why I am woken up at 5am most mornings (because obviously, if he has woken her up, she has to come & tell Mummy)... I'm not to sure when he arrived or where he came from but I would very much for him to go back, My main reasons are because you can't kill an imaginary friend & Ruby doesn't really need anymore help with being mischievous. So far today, "Blair Blair" has helped my little princess wake up at 5.13am, get Hula Hoops out of the cupboard, wipes milk all over the dinning table & put Sudo Cream on the baby's face... (That one I really wasn't happy with as I had only left her for 2 mins as I went to the toilet) All this got me thinking.. Did I have an imaginary friend? My Mum has never said that I did & I don't remember ever having one, but if I did, I hope he was like Fred from "Drop Dead Fred". If you have never seen the film & you have young children then is definitely worth a watch & if you don't have kids, watch it anyway... I remember sitting with my little sister when we were little watching it & thinking.. I want one of those!! To be honest, I would quite like one now.. How much fun would that be.. I could behave like child now but I am pretty sure I would get some funny looks & quite possibly a visit from some "Doctors" but boy.. what fun I could have...

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

There is NO Fairy !!!

It has always baffled me, why everyone in my house seems to believe in Fairies.. Not the ones you find at the bottom of the garden, they know they are not real. (Claps hands just in-case, don't want any deaths on my hands) But they do seem to believe in the "Cleaning Fairy" "Washing Fairy" "Cooking Fairy" & even the "Replacing the loo roll Fairy" I have four toilets in my house & I seem to be the only person that can put a new toilet roll on the holder in any of the bathrooms. Today, I was informed that apparently there is meant to be a "Take the suits to the Dry Cleaners Fairy" I have never heard of this one but as I was shouted at, from up stairs, being asked if "Him in doors" suits had been Dry Cleaned, I realised that there apparently should be one & that I am really crap at Mind Reading.. So, I put it to you... How many more Fairy's are their out there? I guess there has to be a "Changing the baby's nappy" one, possibly the "Taking the recycling out" one... well, in my house anyway. They say a womens work is never done... I say.. Why start?

Monday, 14 May 2012

Where to begin?

I was recently talking to a girlfriend of mine about the fact, that NO MATTER whatever I say to the other half, it seems to fall on deaf ears unless it has something to do with Sex or Food... As you can imagine, after 15yrs, this does get a little disheartening & annoying. Especially as we have children that from time to time, I need to relay some important information... Like whether our toddler has used the toilet or if the Baby has started crawling yet.. She then suggested theraphy, followed shortly with "Or perhaps Bloggong" So, here I am, & this shall be the beginning of my therapy. Thank you very much for doing what "Him in doors" can't seem to do.. Take the other week... I had prepared a Braised Beef, put it in the oven & went out with strict instructions to keep an eye on it, add more water if needed & when to put the potatoes on... Apparently, I obviously do come from Venus as he didn't hear ANYTHING I said.. I then got a text while I was out shopping saying.. "Beef boiled dry". Now, at this point, I laughed out aloud, thinking he was joking, I mean, come on, any idiot can smell something boiling dry, surely??? But No, alas, I came home to BURNT, DRIED on BEEF to the bottom of my lovely casserole dish... Now, not to sound harsh, as he did take us out for dinner instead but COME ON... SERIOUSLY??? My worry now is that his inability to listen to me is rubbing off on our children.. I must tell my eldest daughter about 50 million times to brush her teeth, put her washing in the washing basket, put her clean clothes in the draws... but she doesn't hear me either. I know I am not alone in this but sometimes I do feel like the wall listens to me more than they do & that it would actually do what I asked if it could move... Ha ha ha..